Categories
Family Mom Life Wife Life

Own Your Future

2020. It’s supposed to be a year with perfect vision or to try to get as close to that as possible. Progress not Perfection is my goal. Perfection is not what I strive for any more. Because I am so many things…perfect will never be one of those qualities and I am so glad I don’t feel the pressure to try and reach that unreachable goal anymore.

Since 2015 I have been on a journey that is constantly changing and evolving. There have been ups and downs and peaks and valleys but it has always been evolving and a learning process. Tomorrow starts another phase of this journey.

Tomorrow I head to Ft Myers, Florida and I am going to a Women’s Conference. This is no ordinary conference. This is Rachel Hollis’ “Rise Conference.” If you don’t know who that is or what it’s all about, then this will not mean much to you. But for the millions of women (and men) who have read her books… or listen to her and her husband’s podcasts… or any of the speakers she will have at this conference then you will understand how life changing this could be.

There is a network of “Rise” followers that are the most amazing group of people. I feel like I already have thousands of friends that I’ve never met before that I already have a bond with and I can’t wait to be in the same building with them to experience the knowledge and wisdom we are going to be privileged to hear.

The conference is divided up into 3 days. The first day is about owning your past. That’s going to be a hard one for me. For those who know my story, I have suffered a lot of loss over the past few years with the most recent being the loss of my Mother, Sarah. As well as some bad decisions that I have made over the years. I don’t call these bad decisions mistakes because they weren’t mistakes. These decisions have helped me become the woman I am today. I have suffered due to these choices but I have also grown and evolved. There are still some things I need to address and work thru, so I am really looking forward to the opportunity to do that.

The second day is about owning your present. This one is going to be an interesting topic as well. Some people may not know this but I actually turned in my notice at my present job about 5 months ago. I love my employer and my work family, but I did not feel like I was making a difference. I am the type person who cannot feel like I’m standing still. I always feel like I have to be working towards a goal…to keep growing and moving forward. I didn’t feel successful or even like I was doing a good job. I began to question if this was the right career for me. After I had a conversation with my boss I decided to stay after hearing her confidence in me. I think focusing on my present will help me understand why I felt the way I did and why I sometimes still feel that way.

The last day is about owning your future which is my motto for this year. My sweet friend Tabitha gave me a bracelet that says this motto and I wear it every day and even to bed at night so I can always see it. I want to own my future. I want to own my path and reach my goals even though I am not exactly sure what they are any more. I get home from the conference on Sunday and I began college (again) the very next day. This is part of me “owning my future.” I am nervous of course…. its been 30 yrs since I’ve been in college…but I am so excited with the opportunities that lie ahead even though I have no idea what they may be.

I have something now that I never had before. I have FAITH. And that, to me, is the first step of me “Owning My Future.”

E.

Categories
Family Jealousy Loss Mom Life Wife Life

My Truth

My life hasn’t been all sunshine and daisy’s but I know many who have had it much worse than I so its hard for me to complain or feel sorry for myself. I am very blessed and I know that God had a plan for me. He put different twists, obstacles and choices along the road for me to go down and so in the end we always have the final say….we have the option to make choices to make our path end however we choose. God gives us prompts…I could have chosen so many different options during my journey but I finally started to listen to those prompts.

Here is my story. So many people wondered what made me leave a career that I loved so much and dedicated my whole life too…well, here you go.

I was born on Christmas Eve in 1970. My parents were Virginia and James Barron. I was born in Dallas Texas and I had a brother who was 6 years older than me and his name was Mike. My parents divorced when I was a toddler. In those days, the 70’s, the girls when with the Mother and the boys went with the Dad’s. Being as young as I was I tell this part of the story from the stories told to me from family members. Jump forward..basically Mom, aka, Ginger, aka “Worse Mom” as i refer to her now decided she didn’t want to be a mom any more. So she left me. Like really left me. My father found me all alone in the house. No one really knew how long I had been left alone but from what I was told I was covered in feces and dehydrated. So after a trip to the ER… My father became the first male parent in Dallas county at the time to get custody of a female child.

Fast forward to 1973 and my Father married Charlotte Wolf. Not long after that we moved to Winder, Ga due to my Father being transferred with his job. Charlotte, who I consider my mom even though she didn’t give birth to me, was a dance teacher so it was not surprising that I started dance at the young age of three. It was never a choice… It was expected. But I loved it and I was pretty good. I spent every single night at the studio. Through elementary and middle school I would be at the studio from the minute I got out of school until 10 or so at night. That was my life for as long as I remembered. I didn’t know any other life. I don’t have many other memories of my childhood other than there was not joy. No love was shown between my parents or to me and my brother …or should I say no affection. I love you was never said in our home. Mom was very authoritative and demanding and very much a perfectionist and I never felt I met her expectations. And I still don’t. My memories of my father were just that he was very unhappy. Lonely. And he drank a lot. By the time we would get home from dance each night he was completely sloshed. And that was just the way it was. For many year.

Eventually it got to much for my Mother and she left. She moved out while my father and I were on a trip to Canada. No warning…no Goodbye. Just a call from a neighbor that said “hey, there is a moving truck in front of your house”. My fathers drinking became increasingly worse and I asked my mom if I could live with her…and she said yes. So I moved to Gainesville my sophomore year and attempted to start over. My father would not forgive me for leaving him… it was a hard time for us both.

So living in Gainesville was awesome. I made friends I will never forget. Mom was also having the time of her life. She was basically never there. Pretty soon she moved out completely and lived by myself for the remainder of my Jr year and all of my Sr year of high school. Some might think this is awesome and honestly i did at the time…but I now know that I was extremely lonely. I began a pattern that followed me to this day… emotional eating.

My Father soon married the person I called mom. Sarah Murphy Barron. They were both alcoholics but I am convinced this was all in Gods plan. Sarah eventually asked for help and she went to rehab… my Father refused….and then magically thru some encouragement or ultimatum, not sure which from Sarah… he also went to rehab and from that point on they were both sober until their deaths.

Meanwhile my brother Mike was battling his own demons. Even though he had an amazing family with 4 beautiful kids and a loving wife…he was following in my Dad’s footsteps. He was a full fledged alcoholic. Even though my parents offered him help numerous times…Mike would never admit he had a problem.

Meanwhile I went thru many dead end relationships. I was engaged twice but came to my senses thank goodness. I was completely devoted to and married to my job. That was my purpose and my escape. The ability to make a living to doing something that brings you so much peace and love and to be a part of kids lives from the time they are toddlers to adults was a gift and a privilege. I won’t go into all the ugly details about why my love for my job started to decline but I can say without any hesitation that it had absolutely nothing to do with the students. But the joy was being sucked out of me. It was a slow process…but it became increasingly worse year after year.

In January 2008 my awakening began. At the end of January I received the phone call that my Father had Cancer. He died in less than 4 months. Those 4 months were the most wonderful and most horrific moths of my life until that point. I got to know my Father. My sober Father…I forgave him…he forgave me. I became his little girl again. I saw him at his very worse… and we had the most wonderful conversations. During his illness I had began to go to church with him every Sunday. I fell in love with that Church and those people. I never had gone to church as a child so I was a newbie. This was one of the biggest blessings of that time in my life. His faith was so strong. He knew he was going to beat this horrible disease. During his illness my brother came to visit… I remember my Father begging him with tears in his eyes to get sober…to try… before it was too late… it was one of the most heart-wrenching conversations I had witnessed. My Father died soon after. I am so glad I had that time with him… that I got to know him before it was too late…but most of all that I gained a family. His wife, Sarah, and her children…the Ewing Family. The family that had always been there inviting me to be a part of their family…but I was always to busy. That was me ignoring God’s prompts. But not anymore. 🙂

The loss of my Father was the first real loss I had ever experienced. Meanwhile, a few months later the love of my life came into my life. Michael is my biggest blessing from God. Not long after this…. my brother succumbed to cirrhosis of the liver. He died at the young age of 49. This was the beginning of my journey. Each journey has a beginning, a middle and an end. This was the beginning… I fell into a deep depression. I began to drink … way to much. I mean way way way to much. I will spare you all the gory details…but I had lost my direction…. Sarah and the Ewing family and Michael helped me get my direction back. They were my angels who without them, I would not be here today. And I mean that literally.

Through a lot of reflection and therapy I realized that I would never be happy working at the studio in the capacity that I was. I had no vote in the direction of the studio and I knew i never would although it had always been my dream to eventually take the studio over and run it for another 25 or more years. But I was told that would never happen, so I had no choice but to resign.

So.. that led to my second Chapter…. I started completely over and I decided to pursue my second passion… animals and rescue. I’ve been working for Best Friend Veterinary Hospital for almost 5 years. I am the Hospital Manager and I will always be grateful to Dr Sue for taking a chance on me when she did and giving me this opportunity.

Now we are entering the 3rd Chapter…I am going back to college to get my BA in Business and honestly I don’t know what the future holds for me…But I have several guardian angels up above watching over me and as I keep listening to the prompts God sends me…who knows what the future holds??? I am excited for what may come and open to anything. As long as I have my husband, my family and our dogs of course… we have all we will ever need.

E.

Categories
Family Jealousy Loss Mom Life Narcissistic

When Someone Tells You Who They Are….Believe Them. ~Oprah

So I am new to this whole blogging thing. I do it for me. It’s therapeutic and helps me get my emotions out because if I stuff them down deep, I will turn into an out of control drunk. Believe me. Speaking from experience. Not a trip I want to take again. So I try to process things instead of ignore them. Tonight I shared my post from today with people I consider my friends and family. One of these ladies I’ve known for 5 years. She was my sponsor when I was a card carrying member of AA.

During this time she helped me work the steps as is the process at AA. I told her things that no one on earth knows except my husband. It’s a bond that can’t be explained. See we are Supposed to be equals. We’ve both made horrible mistakes in our past. The point was to work thru the issues that cause you to dull the pain with substance and figure out what the real root issues are. Once that is done you make a list of all the people you owe amends too. You figure out where you are to blame and then you ask for forgiveness. She worked with me thru this entire process. It was a long, painful and intimidating process. But so rewarding in the end.

Somewhere towards the end of my steps I started to feel a nagging feeling when I was with my sponsor. She had become pushy- demanding and honesty seemed she was trying to hurry me to the end of the process. I don’t know if that was because she was tired of meeting with me or because she really wanted me to reach the end of my steps so she could say she finally had a sponsee that’s she reached the end with. So she could get a pat on her bk. At this point I don’t know anymore. she was pressuring me to go to more meetings and sponsor someone else. I did not feel ready for that. But my opinion didn’t seem to matter. And I was unable and unwilling to make more meetings. I worked a full time job. She had no job. So as she began to pressure me more I finally just to.d her we needed a break.

Since I left AA, I did stay in touch with her. I reached out to her at certain times when. I needed someone to listen and she would be there and seemed sincere. She also would reach out to me randomly to check on me. So what happened tonight was a complete shock.

After I sent her my blog post she mistakenly sent me a response that was meant for another sponsee of hers. It included a screenshot of my blog And she was basically mocking me. I was stunned. But i now know What a fake ass phony judgmental bitch she is. And yes that felt good.

I pray you stay sober.
I pray you sleep well.
And I hope you know that after I post this I will never think of you again.

Categories
Mom Life

Saying Goodbye to 2019 Means Letting Go

2019 is one of the worst years of my life. It started with my Mother being very sick after entering the hospital on my birthday, Christmas Eve. 2018. Ultimately, she was moved from the hospital to a nursing home where she would live for the next 10 months until 4 days before her death.

January was especially a shit show because my very smart, very slick, very sneaky mother had found a new Assisted Living Home she wanted to move in to. She had given notice to her present Home and wanted to move. We were all in favor of this move because it was closer to me and cheaper. Well, we later find out that she had signed up for the independent living part of the home…not the assisted living part. Well, touche‘ mom. That was a good one. However, my brother, put a wrench in that real quick. As POA, he had final say. And he said NO. So, as mom was moved to the nursing home she had a deadline of 10 days to get moved out of the present home. Time to get busy.

I had to hire some movers. Rent a storage unit. Organize the move. My hubby was a huge help. Thank God for him. I also had to do a sweep of the room to get the valuables as well as make sure there was no contraband. Did I mention my mom was sneaky? She holds the record for sneaking the largest amount of pain pills into our local hospital. She hid them between her legs. lol. She was a mess. It was an extremely stressful time as I of course was working a full time job as well as visiting my mom in the nursing home as often as I could and to say she was depressed would be an understatement.

I went to see her every Saturday for the first few months. She was either depressed and crying or throwing a pity party when I visited. I tried to encourage… inspire… and distract as best I could but most nights I left there feeling completely defeated. I made a promise to my dad. I told him I would take care of her and I was trying my best. Sometimes it was enough…sometimes it wasn’t.

I became in charge of her finances. Not sure how that happened. But guess it made since since I saw her and visited her the most. My brother lived in Mississippi and my sister in law, the widow of my other brother, had pretty much wiped her hands of Mom. I could not quite wrap my head around why that had happened. But after a few months everything became much clearer. They had been sheltering me. In some ways I’m thankful…but in other ways I’m not. I’m thankful that I had this nearly perfect image of my Mom for so many years… But it wasn’t authentic. She was showing me what she wanted me to see… she was manipulating me. The family didn’t want to spoil our relationship and they wanted me to find out for myself what she was truly like on the dark days. And I did.

We got Mom a Jitterbug phone (phone for old people) and a google chromebook because she was having so much trouble with her apple products. She had about 20 different notebooks with different passwords in it. She was constantly being locked out of her phone and other devices and we thought this would help her. Well at first it was fine..but then she began to get better. The better she got, the meaner she got. I began to hear all the ugly things she was saying about me…. man that hurt. She was the only parent I had left that I had a relationship with and to hear her talk negatively about me broke my heart. See, I have some abandonment issues from my birth mother…another story for another day. So Moms most recent complaint was her phone…she called me and told me to get my ass over to her home and get her an iphone. I called my brother, the Patriarch of the family…..he said for me to go ahead and get her a new phone..whatever she wants. I was livid when I got to her home. When I walked in she said “why are you so mad at me?” what in the actual fuck? So I tell her get dressed…lets go… we are going to get you a new iphone. Here comes the miss innocent act…. she said “no, I don’t have to have an iphone marie…I just want a newer phone”. See the phone I had given her was a used one… just to see if she liked it and it wasn’t a smartphone…. So off I go… in search of a smart Jitter bug phone. I spent the next few hrs in search of this fucking phone. I finally found one over an hour away. So, I get back and sit in my car for the next hour switching her contacts, etc. Get inside and throw it at her…no, just kidding, I didn’t actually throw it. But I did very quickly go over it with her and then I left. She called my brother and seemed to be content with her new phone. All was well with the world except the cat was out of the bag. That was my first glimpse of the selfish, manipulative and fake side of my Mom. And that was just a mild version. But I saw what the others had lived with for decades. I should have known better…she was married to my father so I should have known there were demons in there somewhere. She had to be a strong, bullheaded ballsy woman to stand toe to toe with my father. Well, I met her. And I didn’t like her. But I was my Daddy’s little girl…. and if she wanted ballsy, well…lets go Mom.

So, I finally figured out that all these years she was using me as the one to always be on her side. I only knew the kind, generous, smart, spiritual woman I had grown to love thru losing my father. But I was so naive. Nobody is that perfect. But in my eyes she was. The mom who raised me was the absolute complete opposite of her. Mean, cold, greedy, narcissistic, etc…you get the point. So maybe that is why I was so in awe of Mom… I didn’t want to see the bad. But while she was showing me the “fake side”, she was being selfish and manipulative to the other side of the family.

When my family lost my brother and my nephew in a plane crash, Mom became her authentic self. She became a full time job for everyone. IT WAS ALL ABOUT HER. In hindsight I see this now. She didn’t care that my brother lost his only Son and brother. Or that my sister in law lost the love of her life and father of her children. Mom’s loss was all that mattered. And so we spent the next yrs dealing with her needs and her heath issues.

So, the year went on… and although there were some really great talks…and moments…there were some really bad ones too. Fights about money…she was basically giving it away to some leeches…another post for another day… But if I had to pick the best part of this past year I would say it was growing closer to my Brother and most importantly his wife. All these years and I had never really had a heart to heart with her or any sort of talk of any length. I knew she had to be a quality person because A, my brother picked her and B, her sons were amazing. Two of the kindest boys I had ever met and I knew that had to come from her as much as my brother.

I had always been a little nervous around my sister in law. To be honest…she intimidated me. So extremely intelligent and strong willed. But so am I, so I’m not sure where that fear came from. But thru visits at the hospital here and there I started to see her true self…she was a caretaker… I saw her take care of mom…feed her…. etc. I also so this tiny human command a presence like no other when the hospital was dragging their feet on things. She was a fighter… a Mom… a daughter…. a wife… and a damn smart woman. And she was most definitely in charge. I loved that about her. And also opinionated. That was something I also admired because she wasn’t scared to tell anyone what she felt or thought. #Goals

So when the night came that I got the phone call and my brother passed the phone to his wife I had no idea what she was going to say…but she said “we are going to pay off all your debt. ALL OF IT. Cars and all.” And she talked to me about other stuff that I will keep to myself but in that instance I knew!! wow…once again you have wasted time. why have I wasted all this time not getting to know this woman? As I cried on the phone I felt such appreciation and love for this couple….I don’t think I can put into words how grateful I am for them both.

So, 2020 is my year. I am out of debt. I have a amazing husband…wonderful kids who are all in healthy relationships with amazing partners….we are planning a wedding for my daughter …not to mention that i have a great job and i am starting back to college in a couple of weeks.

I am saying goodbye to 2019 and I am letting go of any anger or resentment I had towards Mom because I know she loved me and I know she knows I loved her. She had flaws…we all do. But she was a wonderful role model to me for most of my life. She helped me when no one else would. And I can honestly say I am a better wife because of her. She would always tell me or suggest to me that spending time with my hubby should always be my number 1 priority. And this year that is my number 1 goal.

I have hope… I have a future to look forward too. All thanks to Mom and this amazing family she made me a part of. Family is not always who your stuck with or born into…sometimes, it’s who you choose. And I choose the Ewing Family Always.

Categories
Mom Life

The 50th Birthday Curse

Happy 49th Birthday!!

I spent the evening with the most important people in my life. My amazing husband and my 3 beautiful children and their spouses. Today is my 49th birthday. The birthday itself is not such a big deal. I am happy to celebrate another year and to celebrate with my favorite people. This birthday is a big deal to me because this birthday is a test. A challenge. A goal. You see… my family thinks we have a curse. I have two brothers who have died at the age of 49. One was an expected death from a long illness and the other was a tragic plane accident that devastated my whole family. So now its my turn…the baby of the family to pass this milestone.

Most people would think that it silly to think that just because my brothers passed away at the age of 49 that I might be cursed as well. However I have had a troublesome life that if I were to spin out of control, I could easily find myself in a ditch passed out or should I say, blacked out. So its not beyond comprehension that something bad could happen. But then something bad could happen to any of us at any time. Isn’t that the real message here?

It doesn’t matter what has happened in our past. Each day we are given is a blessing that should be treated like a precious and valuable gift from God or whomever you believe is in control of the universe.

So here’s to a happy, healthy and productive 49th year of my life. I will spend it trying to improve every aspect of my life. I want to be a better wife. My husband is the most amazing person I have ever met. We both want to improve out health and feel better both body and mind. I want to be a better mom and grow my relationship with my kids. My daughter is getting married and I’m excited to go thru this experience with her. It’s going to be an amazing year. Not to mention that I’m going back to school to finish getting my degree in Business Administration.

So here’s to 2020! I’m ready for you!! Let’s do this!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New year!!!

Categories
Mom Life

An Emotional Start to the Holiday Celebrations

Today marked the beginning of the holiday celebration season for my husband and I. We started the day with a family Christmas Breakfast with the Ewing Family. I am not related to the Ewing Family by blood. I am related first by marriage…and secondly by love.

My daddy married three women. Wife number 1 is “worse mom.” Wife number 2 is “bad mom”. Wife number 3 is when he finally got it right and he married “good mom”. Sarah Murphy Ewing Barron. Sarah didn’t raise me…but she came into my life at the age of 15 and left my life at the age of 48. Those 33 years of having her as my step mom and then the woman I considered my “mom” were a blessing that I’m just now really grasping the depth of how lucky I am that my father finally got it right when he married into the Ewing Family.

The Ewing Family is a large family in our small community. They are kind, spiritual and a mixed bag of personalities like most big families have. My father passed away in 2008. When he was diagnosed with cancer I was told on Jan 24 and he passed away on May 4. It was swift, brutal and devastating. But through his loss, I gained a family. This was a family that was always there. They were always reaching out to me. I was stubborn, jealous and a brat. One of my biggest regrets is knowing that I had this opportunity to be a part of this family for many years before I finally woke up. But I also have learned through this journey that everything happens in Gods timing…not ours.

After my fathers passing, Sarah..who I used to call “Mama S” was now lovingly called Mom. We formed a bond that started with the fact that we were the two women my father loved the most. She loved him so much. The pain she felt while watching him die before her eyes was just unbearable to watch. She was so angry with him for leaving her. She told me once that “he was supposed to grow old with me” and my heart just broke for her. As she and I started to form a bond based on a relationship without my Father, I gained two amazing brothers. Shannon and Pettit and their families. My oldest brother Pettit said to me that “the only good thing that came from my fathers passing was that he gained a sister”. He’s said this twice to me… after my Father’s death and after our Mom’s. And nothing could be more true. I gained a family thru this marriage that was more family to me than any blood family I have. They are the ones who show up for me. A true testament to the fact that family is not about blood…its about love.

Our family had been through a hard season between my Father and my Mother’s passing. My brother Mike, my only blood sibling, passed away at the young age of 49 from Cirrhosis of the liver from alcoholism. That was in 2014. In 2017, our family was hit with the most devastating loss yet. Two family members torn away from us… my brother Shannon and my Nephew Hank. They died in a plane crash that they were flying with only the two of them on board. This loss sent a shock wave through out family that we are still reeling from to this day. The depths of these losses were so complex. My mom loss her youngest son and her oldest grandson. My brother lost his oldest son and his only brother. His wife, Marty lost her oldest son and brother in law. Their son Steven lost his only brother and his uncle. My sister in law Lori lost her husband and her nephew. The kids lost their father and their cousin. Etc….it was just unthinkable. And then the next loss came not long after …. sweet, loving and beautiful Joyce. She was Henry’s wife and my Mom’s best friend. Henry was moms first husband. So Henry’s former wife and his present wife were the best of friends. Most people thought that was a little odd but you only had to spend a few minutes around them to see the friendship and love these two women shared. This last loss was the straw that broke the camels back as they say. Mom never recovered. And I’m not sure the rest of the family has fully mourned these losses either. The loss of these amazing people will forever be felt deeply and lovingly by all of us.

As we sat in the church that my Father and Mother went to and had breakfast with all of the Ewings, I looked around and felt a sense of nostalgia. It was nice…weird…sad and happy all mixed up together. I have so many mixed emotions when I visit their church. This small Methodist Church is also “my” church that I was baptized in on Father’s Day after my Daddy passed away. This is also the Church where we gathered to mourn my Father’s death. My only blood sibling, Mike, was also mourned and celebrated at this church. Memories of going to the pulpit and falling to my knees asking God to help me through so many hard seasons with Mom kneeling right next to me with the same prayers. I grew in my faith in this Church. I had a late start… but better late than never I’ve been told.

After a delicious home style country breakfast with all the fixings, we left to spend time alone with the family. Upon leaving, I felt myself finally take a full breath. I didn’t realize how tense I was while I was there. My husband, sensing my emotional state took me for a drive to allow me some time to decompress for a bit. He always knows what I need. After that, we spent the next few hours with the people I came to know as my real family. We laughed and shared stories of the family members that were not with us today. It was amazing….it was painful….it was necessary. We needed to be together because no one knows what it feels like to lose these amazing people like we do. They may have been many things to many people but they were our family members. I loved being there with them and spending time with them. One of my biggest fears after my mom passed away was that this beautiful family would no longer be part of my world since they didn’t have to be anymore. That was when my brother repeated the words he said when my Father passed away. He said “you will always be my sister.” Those words were the most wonderful words I had ever heard. I needed to hear that. I needed to know that they still wanted to be my family because I needed them so very much. They are the only people who accepted me and loved me no matter what. Flaws and all. They supported me and encouraged me the way family is supposed to do and the thought of losing that broke my heart.

So today I give thanks to this amazing family I am so lucky to be a part of. I am thankful my father met Sarah and chose her to be his last wife and one true love. I am thankful that I had the opportunity to wake up before it was too late and accept this family and get to know them before my father passed away. I am thankful to God because I know this was all his plan and his timing and I hope as I get older I will get better at listening to and hearing his prompts because I’m sure he was nudging me in this direction for years.

E.

Categories
Mom Life

A Christmas Decision

I have a decision to make and my heart is torn.

I was blessed to have two step moms. One I refer to as “good mom.” The other is refer to as “bad mom.” I recently lost Good Mom in October 2019. She was my support system, my person who ( besides my wonderful husband) that I could always count on to vent to and cry to and to give me the most loving, honest and wise advice.

GOOD MOM

BAD MOM

Then there is Bad Mom. I joke when I say that but she is the complete total opposite of Good Mom. Narcissistic, selfish, judgmental, greedy, unkind…. etc.

Bad Mom has invited me and my hubby to Christmas dinner and I don’t want to go. The last holiday I spent with her she passed out on the toilet with the bathroom door open for all of my husband’s family to see. It was humiliating to say the least and I swore I would never spend another holiday there again as her alcoholism is beyond explanation.

I let her know we would not be there and she started the guilt trip. Why do I still, as a almost 50 yr old woman still let her make me feel guilty when she’s been so awful to me.

In the back of my head I keep playing over in my mind how gut wrenching it was for me to not have been able to say Goodbye to Good Mom. It was very sudden and I just wanted one more chance to say I loved her and tell her how much she meant to me.

The thought of losing Bad Mom with us being in a bad season and hurt feelings also tears me up. I fear I will have such regret that I didn’t do all I could do to be a good daughter even though I have accepted that I will never be good enough for her.

So, I have to make this decision based on what is best for me. I would never forgive myself if something happened to her and we were on bad terms so even though I know it will be a completely awkward and difficult evening, I know in my heart I have to go. I always have the option of leaving if something happens.

So- decision made.

Thanks for listening.

E.

Categories
Family

The Goodbye


When I woke up this morning I knew it was time.  

My body ached from the pain.  The cancer had consumed my entire body.  The meds helped ease the pain, but never gave me full relief.  I went on my normal walk.  This time it was different.  Although my joints hurt with every step I took, today I made a point to take it all in.  The smells and the views seemed extra special today.  I took a long time, which I don’t think the nurse appreciated, but she obliged me this one, last, slow walk.  

My family came to visit and I let them do their normal song and dance… how are you feeling?  Are you feeling better today? You are looking so much better!!!  Then after all that was over they would slow down long enough to really look into my eyes.  I had not been able to communicate for a long time in the normal way.  But we could communicate through our eyes.  Through our hearts.  And I looked deep into their eyes and told them “today is the day.”

I watched them as they each took in what I was trying to say… as they struggled to accept that I was ready to go.  They already knew it… they just needed me to tell them.  The Doctor and nurses came in to have a family meeting.  And my family finally told the Doctor they accepted the facts.  That my quality of life was no longer better than the amount of pain I was suffering.  They signed some papers and one by one they each came by my side.  They whispered things about secrets we swore we would always keep. They talked about all the fun times we had together and the memories they would cherish forever.  How much I meant to them and how they would remember me always and I would never be forgotten.  

It was so nice to feel so loved.  But then… I was confused.  I knew I had been given some extra medication to help my anxiety, but why were they leaving?  Why wouldn’t they stay until the end?  I watched the door close and my family was gone.  I was left in a room full of strangers of doctors and nurses. They were familiar…they took very good care of me…but they didn’t know me and I didn’t know them.  I didn’t share years of memories with them.  I didn’t watch them grow up…watch them go on their first date…. Graduate high school….Comfort them with they were sad….celebrate when they were happy.  These people were not my family.  

The nurse told me I was not alone.  She held me and told me that she, the doctor and the other nurses who had joined us, would not leave me.  They would be with me until the very end.  I looked around the room at each set of eyes because that was how I communicated now.  They were kind, loving, and compassionate eyes and most had tears in them they were fighting to release.  I thought, they can be my family for now. 

I started to feel really drowsy from the meds the Doctor had given me and I thought “I am so very tired.”  That’s when the nurse, I think her name was Mary, she whispered in my ear as she stroked my forehead… “it’s ok Sara…go to sleep now… you’ve been such a good girl.”  

As I closed my eyes for the very last time I felt a tear from Mary’s cheek fall onto my fur.  I thought to myself “ this is what family feel’s like” as I drifted off to sleep.  

Draft 1. 

E. PLYMAIL 

11.30.19

Categories
Family

Goodbye Mother

Dear Mother,

Included with this letter is my payment for you in full. 

Thank you for your patience in receiving this payment and for all of your help throughout the past 48 years.  Your love and support have been overwhelming.  Insert sarcasm. 

I am extremely disappointed in your actions and attitude regarding the inheritance I received.  I am not sure if you are jealous or just so miserable that you can’t be happy for me and hubby.  A normal parent would be excited and thrilled to know that we received a gift so generous and that we can save some money for our retirement and have a little nest egg.  But your comments are snide, rude and just plain tacky.

 Did it cross your mind to maybe say something along the lines of….”that’s awesome.  I am so happy for you….. when you have some time maybe we can sit down and make out a payment plan for what you owe me”.  Would it kill you to be happy for me for once?  Or because it doesn’t benefit you, then you can’t be happy for us.

 I realize that you blame me for everything.  You have done everything for me and I’m an ungrateful bitch in your eyes.  I know there is nothing I can do to change that opinion you have of me and I am not going to try anymore.  You’ve made it painfully obvious that I will never be good enough and I will never make up for all that I’ve done wrong to you.  Perhaps one day we should compare lists.  Mine is pretty long as well but I choose to forgive…. Maybe one day that will be a concept you can understand.

 I lived until the age of 37 under your power, influence and control.  I then woke up and realized that I do have feelings, opinions and thoughts that are not the same as yours.  And that that was OK.  I loved teaching dance… it was my dream to own your studios one day…but you held on with an iron fist and I walked away from my dream to save myself.  I was miserable.  After 25 years of always being put down and told how I don’t measure up – I was finally broken.  But I had enough strength to walk away.  Because I am strong.  I am a fighter.

 And I Fucking Matter.

 You have never taken any responsibility at all for any of this.  Nor have you taken any responsibility for your drinking and the damage that has caused.  The last time I was at your house for hubby’s birthday, you were passed out on the toilet with the door wide open and your orange private area out for all the world to see.  I have heard that you show up to work drunk.  I find empty glasses and cans at the studio all the time…. But if you don’t want help I can’t force it on you.  And meanwhile your talking trash about me= judging me as you do everyone… to everyone you can….. thinking that I don’t know and don’t hear.  I do.  But I don’t care what you think anymore.  You’ve never had a positive thing to say about me in 45 years. 

I have decided that after work on Christmas that hubby and I are going to the mountains.  So we will be unable to attend Christmas at your house but we do appreciate the invitation.

 If you decide that one day you would like to have a real Mother/Daughter relationship…. Where you want to know how I’m doing… support me (not financially) but emotionally….and you care truly about how things are going in my life…. Then you know how to reach me.  

You will always be my mom… I just wish you knew how to be a friend. 

Your Daughter…

E