A Time To Remember

Today I woke up with a desire to visit my blog. I haven’t wrote since April. Writing is therapeutic for me and the truth is, I haven’t needed to write. Wow. That feels amazing to say. So I took a walk down memory lane and read through some of my old blogs. I just want to go back and hug that person. She most definitely needed a hug. Thankfully, I am not the same person today. Like most things in life I have changed. I have grown. I have flourished. And I am so grateful.

I wrote a lot in the past about my journey through my grief and my struggles with my health and anxiety. Boy, was there a lot of pain in those posts. Losing 2 brothers, my nephew and the most recent loss being my Mother in 2019. It was a lot to process in a 2 year span. I have to admit that I did not go through those life experiences with the most grace. I spun out on more than one occasion. But with the love of my family, lots of prayer and plenty of therapy, I can say that today stands a different woman than who stood before you then.

I lived my life for a long time in fear. Fear of dealing with my health issues. Fear of doing the wrong thing at work. Fear of not being a good enough Wife, Mom, Manager….. Blah, Blah, Blah. It was freaking exhausting. The act of constantly criticizing myself and second guessing myself was driving me and everyone who loved me insane. I had to face things head on and make some hard decisions.

The first topic to face was my health. I suffer from diverticulosis. For those who don’t know what that is, it’s a disease of your colon. When I suffered an attack, it becomes diverticulitis. My attacks began to occur back to back. The infection in my colon was not healing and landing me in the ER more times than I care to remember. So, I finally met with the surgeon and he asked me point blank: “how much longer do you plan to live your life in pain and on pain meds and antibiotics?” At that point, I had been on them for 3 months straight. He offered me a solution and although there was always a chance I would end up with a colostomy bag, at that point I finally faced my fear and said yes to surgery. I was scared but the thought of continuing the constant attacks was worse. It was the best decision of my life. They removed 2 feet of my colon and said I had a blockage forming when they got in there so it was a miracle that we had the surgery in time. No, not a miracle. It was most definitely a blessing from God. I will always have diverticulosis. But it’s been 4 months without a single attack and I am grateful that I finally faced that fear.

The next topic I faced was stress. Stress was the culprit that caused my diverticulitis flare ups. So to ensure that I no longer suffered future flare ups, I needed to manage my stress. It’s important to point out that a lot of my stress was self inflicted. My constant desire to be the best, most productive, most efficient, most liked was ending up with the exact opposite result. I set unrealistic standards on myself that no one could meet and especially someone who was battling the health issues that I was. I had been getting little nudges from God for a while. I would listen and then I would tell myself that I wasn’t ready for change. Then I got a big nudge. And I again was faced with a point blank situation where I had to decide. Was I going to continue to place these unrealistic demands on myself, or…….was I going to be happy? I chose to be happy. And 4 months later, I couldn’t be happier.

I guess what prompts me to write today is to offer encouragement. “This too shall pass” always sounded like BS to me. But it is true. However, to get to the rainbow, you do have to go “through” the storm. Not around it. You have to do the work. By work, I mean the work on your inner peace. Your emotions. Your heart. I did the work. And for that, I am in such a happier place now. That doesn’t mean I’m done working. You are NEVER done with working on yourself. We are all works in progress and there is always work to be done.

Broken and Lost

I AM NOT SURE WHEN IT HAPPENED, BUT I’VE LOST MY WAY

I haven’t written in many months. I didn’t think I really had much to say; but the truth is I am bursting with things I need to let out. I am depressed, frustrated, lonely, angry, hopeless, etc. And I have no right to be most of these things. I am a very blessed person. I have an amazing husband who loves me and tolerates me even tho sometimes I am quite intolerable. He’s a saint. And many days I feel I don’t deserve him.

I’ve been dealing with some health issues. I suffer from diverticulosis as well as diverticulitis. Basically that is a colon disease. Thus far I have been unable to get any answers from my gastroenterologist. He tells me it’s just “my bad genes.” Thanks doc. The pain that comes with this condition is gut wrenching and I’ve been to the ER twice in the past two months. I have an appointment with a colon surgeon next week and I am scared to death. But hopefully I will get some answers. The never knowing when a flare up will come and what is causing it is the most frustrating felling I’ve ever experienced. I feel very strongly that it is from stress but how in the hell do you live life without stress? Most people don’t understand the pain or the condition itself. When you have a flare up, the pain is all throughout your left side and it hurts to move. However, I am still expected to report to work. Which is another portion of my life that I am unhappy with.

I am a Veterinary Hospital Manager. I started as a receptionist and worked my way up through hard work, loyalty and dedication. However, I am not the same person I was before this condition started and I don’t feel that my fellow coworkers really understand or empathize. They just want me back to being as productive as I used to be. Like I don’t? I wish I felt 100%. I also wish COVID-19 didn’t happen because that has caused a level of stress on all of my staff. Another topic for another day. So the joy and fulfillment I used to have while at a job I love is gone. And that makes me extremely sad.

I’ve been reflecting and looking inward to try and figure out what I can do to improve all areas of my life. Step 1 is to see the Surgeon and hopefully get some answers. He may want to remove my colon. He may not. But that is out of my hands. Step 2 is how can I improve my inner peace. It hit me like a ton of rocks on Easter.

Easter was always my favorite holiday to spend with my Mom. She passed away in 2019. I thought about her all day this past Sunday. Reminiscing about all the wonderful memories and it took me back to my very first Easter that I spent with her and my Dad. It was in 2008. I was not raised in a Church and my father never went to Church until he married Sarah. (who is my step mom but I consider her my mother. ) So in 2008 he asked me to join them for Easter service. At first I scoffed at the idea because he never took me to Church as a child. But he was dying. He had lung and brain cancer and this would be his last Easter Service. So I of course said yes. It was the best decision I ever made. The people at this small Methodist Church treated everyone like family. I felt so welcomed and I was so grateful to share this experience with him and Mom. At the end of the service the congregation laid hands on my father and I could not retain the tears. It was so moving. That day began I tradition for myself and my Mom. Not long after that day, Daddy went down hill quickly. He died the next month. But he made me promise to continue to go to Church with my Mom and I am proud to say I kept that promise. I was even Baptized the Father’s day after he passed.

In 2017 I began to break that promise to attend Church. That year my stepbrother and my nephew died in a plane crash. This was a loss my Mom never recovered from. She became very depressed, withdrawn and would not accept visitors. Except me and family of course. We didn’t ask. But by 2019 she finally got what she wanted and she joined my Daddy, my brother and my nephew in heaven. I am positive she is happy and at peace reunited with her loved ones although she left me here a shattered shell.

Her illness took a lot out of me. She became my whole world and taking care of her for the year of her illness was my priority. So when she left this earth, I was lost. I was angry. I was just a mess.

So imagine my surprise with on this past Easter Sunday as I’m going through all the pictures and memories that God just reached down and smacked me good and hard. I am lost because I turned away from Him. My journey started with my Daddy’s invitation and then somewhere along the way because I was so preoccupied with taking care of everyone else, I forgot to take care of me. I am lost because I turned away from Jesus. I lost my faith. I’ve been living on my own will and not his. But this stops TODAY!

Today I am hopeful. I’ve been listening to different live sermons trying to find a Church I think I might click with and I think I found one. I am reading my Mom’s Bible. She has so many and she wrote notes all in them and I feel so much love when I read them.

So, I will keep you guys posted. I am starting to feel at peace again and remembering all of the things I loved about the fellowship of Church. I know I am loved by the Father even in all my imperfectness.

Thank you for listening.

Frustrated Yet Grateful

Today is Thanksgiving. The day we are supposed to be thankful for all of our blessings and show people how thankful we are to have them in our life. My confession: I wasted half of it being self absorbed and self consumed with myself. I’m thankful that I was able to see my family tonight and it forced me to step out of this anxiety bubble I have been drowning in.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling extremely different than how I felt when I went to bed. I was dripping snot one minute and the next I couldn’t breathe. Normally I would just consider the symptoms my usual sinus crap but last week we I was exposed to someone who tested positive two days after I saw her. So, to be safe I called and got an appointment for a rapid test at 2pm. I get there and the girl comes out and gets my id and insurance info and goes back in to make copies then comes back out to tell me that they can’t do my appointment because I am a new patient and I didn’t “check that box” on the online appointment application. I will just say I was upset… and that is me being very polite. The nurse gave me numbers of places to call and I spent the next two hours trying to get in for an appointment the day before Thanksgiving. No one would take me. So Braselton Urgent Care wouldn’t answer their phone and I emailed and got no response but decided to just go there and give it a shot. Thankfully they were more than accommodating and said they would get me in but it would be a long wait. I was thrilled with that answer. So took the test… Dr Said my lungs sounded perfect which was nice to hear since I normally get bronchitis this time of year. I also had no fever so really the only symptom that I was having was being stuffy. He said he felt like it was sinusitis and not COVID19 but we did the test anyway to be sure. They told me I would get results at best 3-6 hrs or could take up to 24 hrs. So its been over 24 hrs and I’ve had severe anxiety worrying about being around other people, going to work, etc.

Here I have been spending the entire day focused on worrying about something that is completely out of my control. How silly. Such a total waste of my energy and precious time. Something that some people don’t have. Some people don’t have the option to waste time. Some people don’t have time left. And me wasting my time feeling sorry for myself is an insult to people who are fighting for their lives. For that I am so sorry. Thank you God for the gentle reminder that I am not in control. Let it go, breathe, and don’t waste any more days, minutes, seconds.

So here is what I should have been thinking about today:

My Children: They are happy and healthy and have grown into wonderful humans. We could not be more proud of them.

Special focus on my amazing husband. He is calm, strong, steady, and has such amazing strength. He has amazing insight where he knows exactly when to just let me rant and when to take control. He is a very gentle person but so strong in his loyalty and his devotion to everyone he loves. He comes across as quiet and shy but this is a man that trained soldiers how to jump out of airplanes in the Army. He is a leader and he leads our family with strength, love and loyalty. I always feel like I never have to worry because he always has my back. He is my best friend and I am so very thankful for him.

I am thankful for my friends. I don’t have a lot of true friends. I have a lot acquaintances, but the amount of people I am confident that if I called them in the middle of the night needing help or support, they would be there, is few and far between. Most of the ones have been in my life for over 20 years and some I’ve only known for about 6 years… you know who your are. I am thankful for you.

I am thankful for my health. It’s been ruff here and there this year but now that I know my diagnosis, I can manage it and that is something to be thankful for.

My family: I am thankful that they are all healthy and that we didn’t have to go to a funeral this year. There have been way to many of those. So I’m thankful for no funerals.

This last one may seem weird but it is meant with the most sincerity: I am thankful that my Mom was not here to experience COVID-19. That may seem odd to some people but if she would have been in the nursing home and I couldn’t see her or anyone else see her, she would have given up and died all alone in a nursing home which was her biggest fear. So I am thankful for her not suffering through this horrible pandemic.

I hope that all of you spent your day more productive and meaningful than I did. I regret that I started it off on the wrong foot, but thankful that God gave me a gentle reminder to wake up. Happy Thanksgiving Friends!

EMP

I Won’t Be Bullied or Shamed Anymore

About a year ago… it was in December when someone who I considered a close friend. I had spend a year taking care of my mom and watching her die and that’s when I began blogging. I would send her my blogs and she would tell me that they were touching and emotional and was very supportive. Or so I thought. She accidentally send me a text by mistake sending a copy of my blog and telling this person the text was meant for how full of myself for thinking that anyone cares what I have to say and how conceited I was. I promptly responded back to her and thanked her for her input and for all the fake support she gave me through the years. And then I cried a thousand tears. I felt betrayed, judged and so deeply hurt.

Then guess what? Here we are almost in December, 1 year later and another person, who I thought was a close friend, does basically the same exact thing.

So last night I had decided that I would delete my blog and I posted about it on all my social media to let anyone who might care know. . I started to believe that maybe it was self absorbed of me to think anyone cares to read what I have to say. I could just journal instead. But I was extremely saddened about this decision. I have had severe anxiety this whole week which is not good for my diagnoses of diverticulosis.. I can’t sleep…I can’t eat.. I’ve been a mess. Blogging for me is therapeutic. I work things out and get out everything that if I keep bottled up I will end up doing very unhealthy options for both my mind and my body. But it’s more than that. Its a diary of the events of my life. I blogged all thru my mother’s illness and it helps me to go back and read how bad she was suffering and now she isn’t anymore. So when I’m missing her I read those blogs to help remind me she is in a better place.

THen something amazing happened this morning. I woke up to emails from friends and people I have never met who follow my blog and said please don’t stop. It helped them to hear someone else going through some of the things that they are also. They also encouraged me to not let someone else’s opinion effect how I live my life and I was like: DAMN RIGHT!

So my blog is back up…its private and you have to be approved to subscribe to it. I will not be posting it on my personal facebook page. Just my blog page.

So Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reminding me who I am. I don’t usually let people persuade me or question my intentions or actions. I don’t know why I didn’t pick up on these characteristics of these people earlier because they remind me so much of my step mom I should have known better. Only my step mom is one that will just shoot it straight and not care how it effects you. It’s harder to spot in people who have two faces.

EMP

Our Daughter Married Her Prince in the Middle of Covid.

2020 has been a year that no one planned for. Pandemics, isolation, mandated masks, business closings, and lots of loss of life that is and continues to be a tragedy that is hard to put into words. But during this year we held onto hope that our daughter would still be able to have her dream wedding and we were finally able to pull it off. It was beautiful and small and we could not have asked for a better experience and the smile on my daughter’s face was all I needed to know what a success the night was. Her and Jon were meant to be and we couldn’t be more proud of her choice as her mate for life because he adores her and vice versa.

I was going thru a bit of a funk there for a bit. I have been dealing with some medical issues but we are checking off all the boxes and getting all the parts checked out. I don’t plan to be leaving here anytime soon if I can help it. Course I know that it is never in my control. But I can do what I can to make my odds as good as possible.

After my last therapy session, I started to put a lot of things into perspective and I started listening to Rachel Hollis’ newest book. “I Didn’t See that Coming” and I had taken a break there for a while from the Hollis Co…but once I started listening, I actually was so self centered that I thought she wrote the book just for me. Kidding of course….. but I totally connected to her issues going on in her life right now but in a totally different way. After listening to the book which was about how to get through tuff times, Covid, divorce, illness, etc. Towards the end of the book I had an AHA moment. I am not longer in the midst of a tragedy. I have made it through. I have some scars and some wounds but I survived and I am so much stronger than I was 1 year ago.

Last year during the holidays I had no desire to celebrate everything which was really weird because my birthday is Christmas Eve and I’ve always loved Christmas. But this year, I am looking forward to celebrating a big Thanksgiving and I am looking forward to celebrating my 50th Birthday. This is a huge milestone for our family. Both of my brothers passed away tragically at the age of 49 so I would appreciate all of the good juju, prayers, or whatever it is you believe in. I have so many gaurdian angels watching over me and so much to live for. Every day has its own struggles, but I am blessed to have every day.

It Just keeps getting better

I can’t go into specifics. All I can say is that I’ve mentioned before I am a fierce mama bear. I protect my tribe with everything I have. But today I lost. It was by far the most difficult day in my 5 years at my job. My staff is my family and they are like daughters to me. And I try my best to protect and guide- but sometimes I cannot control the outcome.

I am sad because part of my tribe is leaving us. Yet I am also happy and optimistic that this could open doors to better opportunities for them. So to say my emotions are all a mess is an understatement.

So sometimes being a manager sucks. Sometimes I feel like the principal at a high school. And I can never see if I’m making a difference and if I’m not, what’s the point!

My Week from Hell in the Hardest Month of My Life.

A few days ago I posted a very brief post saying I was too mad to even get my emotions out in words that would make complete sentences. A few days have passed and I’m gonna give it my best try. The problem is, there are so many different areas of my life in chaos that I don’t even know where to begin. But, here goes…..

We will start with why this is the hardest month of my life. Just 11 short months ago my mother passed away very suddenly and she and I had a spat the day she passed. I thought I had worked through all the guilt with my therapist throughout the year, I was obviously wrong. As this month got closer I got more anxious and emotional. She had a storage unit of all her belongings that I was tasked with donating and cleaning out the belongings she had left. Through this past year I would go to the storage place and try to go through stuff and every time I would come across things that just ripped the wounds open again. Pictures, books, journals, and even a folder where she wrote on the outside of it “these are scriptures that will help you through hard times. I know they will because they helped me.” I knew it was left for me and my heart just ached to speak to her again.

So I made up my mind that I was going to finish this last chapter by scheduling the Salvation Army to pick up the belongings and they came last weekend. I was looking forward to having this finally taken care of and to start dealing with the closing of this chapter. Well, the Salvation Army came, but they did not have room for everything. I was so disappointed because I was looking forward to feeling like I had accomplished the job I was given. Yet, here I am with more things left and more boxes to go through to find things to just pull at my heart. All just a couple of weeks from the 1 year mark of losing my friend, my advisor, my confidante, my supporter…. my Mom. Nonetheless, I will get her belongings donated as she had wanted and I will fulfil my responsibility in whatever time it takes. It is what it is…maybe there is a reason that I didn’t get to close that chapter quite yet.

In a different area, I am having some health issues and having two different procedures done this month. I believe everything will be fine yet I always have the thought in the back of my head that two of my brothers passed away at the age of 49, which is how old I am. I turn 50 this December. I have all kinds of emotions right now regarding my health. Fear, shame, anxiety and confusion. I know God is with me and whatever happens is what is meant to happen. But that doesn’t take away the fear I mostly have on how it would effect my loved ones if something happened to me.

In another area of my life I am feeling overwhelmed and uneffective. I used to have a job that involved children whose lives I was involved in for as long as 16 years. I was a part of their growth from childhood to adulthood and it was such a privilege. I felt needed in that profession and due to them being children I was able to guide them and help them make smart choices for their future. It was the most gratifying feeling ever to feel needed. I don’t feel that feeling anymore. I don’t feel like I have the bonds that I desire with the people I am surrounded with daily. I don’t feel like they respect or value my opinion. So, how do I help those people? Yes, I know the answer is that I can’t help them. And that makes me feel utterly and completely helpless and like a failure. I have always been a loyal and fierce defender of my tribe. Yet, I don’t think they feel the same way or at least they don’t show that they do and my experience is to believe actions not words.

So I’m having a month of sadness, fear, loss, and feeling completely inadequate. All of that is being displayed in moodiness, lack of sleep, lack of appetite, and sometimes just a complete meltdown. I don’t know how to separate my feelings and put them on hold when they are all mixed together

I will end this post with the best part of this month. My daughter is marrying a wonderful man at the end of the month so I can’t say that there is nothing positive happening this month! That will be a glorious day.

emp

I know I am very blessed and I don’t mean to come across as complaining or whining but I’ve actually kept this very close to my heart and I needed to get it out somehow. Thank you for listening if you made it this far. You taking the time to read this means the world to me.

The Constant Vicious Cycle In My Head That Never Stops. Could it Just stop for one day.

• 

What is my purpose?

I have seem to lose sight of why I’m working so hard at all the things and not enjoying the life I have.

Why do I feel I always have to keep pushing myself- is it because I want recognition? Praise? Acknowledgement? All I end up doing is sacrificing everything important to me to reach this goal that is never ending.

I’m tired of studying 6 hours every night after work and spending no time with my husband. I’m tired of him cooking every night- believe it or not I miss it!!

I’m tired of being so tired I can’t even take care of my health when that should be my main focus.

Yet, that little voice in the back of my head is telling me what I was told my whole life. Your just a quitter and you will never finish anything you start.

This is where I am tonight. Feeling absolutely defeated.

EMP

Cycles

Life is just one big continuation of cycles.

Conception. Development. Birth.

Childhood. Adolescence. Adulthood.

Preschool. Elementary. Jr high. High school. College.

Relationships. Jobs. Goals. Desires.

Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end.

Birth. Living. Death.

Where are you in the grande scheme of things?

I know I’m not where I want to be.

But how does one break a cycle?

That is the magic question.

But as the famous Glenda said: “You had the power all along my dear.”

EMP

An Unwelcome Reminder

 

Today I received a phone call. It was from a co-worker, a friend. She called to tell me that another co-worker had some horrible news today. Her brother had died. I don’t have the details…I don’t know how he died. All I know is it was unexpected and he was way to young. My first reaction was what can I do? I was reassured that everything at work had been handled…it was my day off, but the staff took care of everything.

My next thought was for her. My co-worker. I won’t mention her name for her privacy. But the tears started down my face before I could even acknowledge what was happening. As someone who has lost two brothers, both unexpectedly and tragically and both at the age of 49…. I felt such deep empathy and love for this co-worker and her family. The pain and the devastation of losing a sibling so suddenly and unexpectedly is so hard to fathom.

I found myself feeling very sad for a while… being selfish and thinking only of how those deaths effected me. I sent this person a text to let her know I was here for her if she needed me and that I was sending love to her and her family.

And then, I had to let it go… stop thinking about me and my past hurts. Because I have made it thru and although I will never get over the loss of my two brothers… I still have one brother left. And my focus shouldn’t be on me anyway.

My thoughts and prayers go out to this family because I know too well what the upcoming weeks will have in store for them. I pray for comfort. I pray for peace. I pray for healing. And all of those things will take time.

I don’t know if she will read this…but honestly this is my selfish way of getting the rest of my tears out tonight before I try to sleep. I just hope she knows that there are people out here who know what she is going thru and we are here for her. You have a tribe. We are are here if you need us.

Dedicated to all of the families who have lost a loved one too soon.

EMP

Crossing Paths

I wanted to take some time to put my thoughts and words together before I tell you about a very sad change that happened to myself and co-workers yesterday. But as life would have it, a positive and wonderful change for one of our co-workers. Let me tell you about Kasey Parker.

Kasey has been one of my co-workers and a receptionist at Best Friend Vet for about 2 years. She was one of our Lead Receptionist and the end of her employment with us, which sadly, was Friday. I grew close to Kasey very quickly. She reminded myself of me in a lot of ways. A people person, highly devoted to her job and highly critical. She takes everything very much to heart and is extremely hard on herself if she thinks she lets anyone down. As I said, for those who know me…you can see the similarities. I have held several roles in our relationship. Sometimes the boss, sometimes a Mom, sometimes a teacher….and all the time, a friend. I think of her like a daughter. We had many talks about life, relationships, anxiety and family. We shared a lot of laughs and made lots of memories which I will never forget. She was there for me when I was going thru the illness and death of my Mom (which I have to say all of my receptionists were amazingly supportive). But I will never forget all she did for me and has meant to me over these two years. And I am so glad our paths crossed.

“know this one great truth: you are in control of your own life. You get one and only one chance to live, and life is passing you by. Stop beating yourself up, and dang it, stop letting others do it too. Stop accepting less than you deserve. Stop buying things you can’t afford to impress people you don’t even really like. Stop eating your feelings instead of working through them. Stop buying your kids’ love with food, or toys, or friendship because it’s easier than parenting. Stop abusing your body and your mind. Stop! Just get off the never-ending track.”
― Rachel Hollis

“Watershed” By The Indigo Girls

Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
‘Til your agony’s your heaviest load
You’ll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When you’re learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while
And when you’re learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while.

Even though Kasey is no longer my co-worker, she will always be my friend. Our place of employment may have caused our paths to cross, but we created the bond. And that bond is one that will never break.

Kasey I wish you all the best and just a few things for you to remember.

• You are worthy- So know your worth.
• You are beautiful.
• You can do anything you set your mind to.
• You have to say something positive every time you say something negative about yourself!!
• Be kind to yourself.
• This too will pass. When you get overwhelmed, remember that every storm eventually runs out of rain.
• If you fall down—- GO AGAIN. And if you fail… TRY AGAIN!!
• Lastly, DRINK YOUR STUPID WATER!

I love you and will miss you tremendously but am so proud of you for being courageous enough to make a change that will help you grow. Call me anytime…always here for you!! Marie

SOME DAYS ARE JUST TOUGHER THAN OTHERS

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SOME DAYS ARE JUST TOUGHER THAN OTHERS

This has been a ruff month. I hate February. I lost two family members in a plane crash during this month and my life has never been the same. The tidal wave of events that followed for the years to come were inevitable. My family has never been the same. My mom never recovered and has recently passed 4 months ago. The pain and loss my family has suffered is still very raw and real. Things go good for a while then just like tonight… it all just came and slammed me smack in the face.

Nothing horrible is going on in my life. I really have no right to complain. I am very blessed and I do truly know that. It’s just been a snowball effect that has just exploded on this particular night.

Work has been stressful… decisions dealing with my career presented themselves to me and that has been stressful.

My first proctored exam is tomorrow and I have been completely freaking out over that.

A series of events dealing with the studio has really concerned me …even tho I am no longer involved with the studio, it’s something I poured my heart into for almost 30 years…so of course I still care.

I had to go to Mom’s storage unit this week to give them my credit card number since I still haven’t gotten it completely cleared out and I went to go see how much i had to clear out… that was a definite mistake.

And then the worse thing possible happened tonight. MY PRINTER WOULDN’T WORK!!! Talk about a brat!!! That’s exactly what I was. And I could hear Sarah telling me what I brat I was being…and I just lost it.

I miss her so much. I could talk to her about anything. She was always there no matter what. And I can tell you for sure she was always on my side but even more on Michaels.

I am just feeling sorry for myself i guess so don’t be fooled by my pity party I’m throwing tonight. I am more blessed than I deserve. I just really miss my best friend right now….. and that’s ok. I’m sure this won’t be the last time.

If you still have your parents with you on this earth… make sure you tell them every chance you get how much they mean to you. You never know when that will be taken away from you.

EMP

When does it End

Today I went back to my mom’s storage unit. I had ignored it for months. But now there was no excuse. Its time. I have to go thru everything and decide… does it stay? does it go. does this thing mean enough to hang onto… or is it just a “thing” with no meaning. Does that even exist? Everything has a meaning… a memory. a reason. Yes I left there feeling like she just died yesterday.

I found pictures… bibles… her christmas dishes. clothes I could picture her wearing… 87000 sets of scissors. It was hard. But I had to go again. And every week i’m going to try and do a little more. And I will be sad for a bit. But I will go again.

Short and sweet post. Just letting ya’ll know where I am right now.

emp

If You’re Not Growing, You’re Dying!

Today marks the start of the second month of the new year. 2020. Where all the new things are changing. Not only changing…but happening. New goals, new ideals and new dreams. Dreams that are now becoming reality.

Debt free: Check.

Healthy eating: Check.

Started college: Check.

Priorities: Me. Family. Job.: Check. Check. Check.

That was a big one. Getting everything in perspective has been a big obstacle to overcome. But with help from my therapist (have I mentioned how important that is?) and my family (which in decisions such as these only means my husband and my kids… they are my family unit..they are the only ones whose vote matters.)

So tonight I made a 100% on a quiz. Not a big deal to most people. But ya’ll… i’m 49!! I have been out of school for 30 years… this is my second quiz in this class. I have two attempts. I thought I will just do it tonight and try again in the morning when I’m not so tired. AND I FREAKING MADE A 100!!!!!!

The feeling I felt was just such extreme pride. Most people think that is obnoxious but I worked hard this week. I woke up early and I stayed up late…I studied at least 3 hours a day and went to work. I came home from work and maked home cooked meals 3 times this week and I was a good wife. YOU CAN DO IT ALL!!!

Now, truth be told… I don’t have little kids. I am a Empty Nester and its just me and the hubby but dinner and time together in the evenings is important to me. We made time for New Amsterdam, Law and Order SVU and Criminal Minds…lol. But in between …I was studying.

I must say this, this day was much needed. To feel like all this work was paying off. I have felt a little lost today. Finding out that people who you thought were “your people” are not “your people” or who are not on your team… you know, rooting you on…supporting you…wanting the best for you…it’s hard to face that reality. But when it hits you in the face you have two choices. You can continue to ignore it or you can admit it “is what it is.” Everyone is not on your team. Everyone does not want the best for you. And you know what? That’s ok. Because that has nothing to do with you….or me… but it has everything to do with them.

All I can do is just keep growing. Because if you’re not growing, you’re dying… and I have no plans for that anytime soon. But when it comes, at least I know I was trying to live my best life.

EMP

The Conference Review

A couple of weeks ago I spent a massive amount of money for me. I felt guilty about spending this much money on me. I discussed it with my therapist and friends, family, hubby (of course) who all encouraged me to invest in myself and I took the leap and went. I had no hesitation on going. I wanted to go for as long as I knew about this conference. But, spending money on myself is not something I would normally do. I can honestly say this was the best investment I have ever made.

If you don’t know who Rachel Hollis is I plead for you to look her up. She has written books, has a couple of podcasts along with her husband as well as this conference. Its called “The Rise Conference.” And its “life changing” in my opinion of course. I am not gonna go into a biography of Rachel Hollis because you can google her and learn all about her and what she is about. What I want to tell you about is my experience.

Each day was full of energetic workouts. Rachel implores us to move our bodies 30 minutes a day. Drink half your body weight in water in ounces a day. Get enough sleep and treat your body like a temple. Her books explain the steps and strategies that worked for her. She is so easy to relate to. It’s like listening to an old friend.

The first day is called “owning your past.” The most memorable part of the day was called “stand up for your sister.” There were 4000 women at this conference and we all became sisters. We had a list of topics in our workbook that each woman went thru and circled if we have experienced any of these topics. Rape, divorce, loss of a parent, loss of a child, anxiety, toxic self talk, attempted suicide, etc. After we had finished with our list, we folded it in half and passed it to our neighbor. They passed it to their neighbor. Then to the person in front of them and so on and so on until no one knew where their paper was anymore. Then we opened up the paper to read what our sister had circled. Then Rachel started to call out the experiences on the list and with each item called out we were to stand up if that was circled on the paper we had in our hands. This way, our sister didn’t have to be singled out that she had experienced this but we were standing up for them. To see the mass amount of women who would stand for each experience listed showed that no one was alone. The most heartbreaking part of this exercise when was she called out the topic (I can’t remember the exact wording but it was something along the lines of ) “I hate my body”. 98% of the women in that room stood up. The silence was deafening and the tears were flowing. It was an eye opening experience and so freeing to know that we are not alone and we all have the same fears, feelings, hurts, and thoughts.

The next day was called “owning your present.” Health, nutrition and exercise was a focus of that day. Not the usual tips of how to obtain it, but focus on what holds us back. She had speakers to tell us about their struggles but also, she talked to us about that “inner voice” we all have. Rachel refers to her voice as “Pam”. Lol… we all have that voice. Whether it be an old friend from high school, or a family member, etc. Well, we all told “Pam to take a hike” that day!! We each wrote down all the things we say to ourselves when we look in the mirror. All the nasty comments we tell ourselves when we don’t even realize it. Like, “you’re disgusting… your not worthy of being loved…etc.” You get the drift. Then with no warning…Rachel told us to stand up and we were to reveal those thoughts OUT LOUD to another person that we did not know! My heart leaped out of my chest. I turned to the stranger next to me and we agreed to be in this together. I do not know the name of the beautiful sister I was to share these thoughts with…we had no time …. when she said go I just went first…I vomited all those thoughts I always tell myself…your ugly, disgusting, fat, a disgrace, no one will love you, how can your husband look at you, no wonder your own mother left you, etc…etc… it was painful. The whole time this beautiful sister…obviously a runner by her attire and her presence was crying the entire time. I did not know until a few minutes later when she revealed her list of claims of body image…that she was thinking the same thoughts. As she said them out loud to me… i was in shock. How could this beautiful, thin, athletic, in shape woman have the same fears as me. Because we all have a “Pam.”. That voice telling us we are not thin enough… we are not good enough…smart enough…etc.” She was beautiful and thin so in my eyes she was perfect. In her eyes she had the same fears as me. She wasn’t enough. No matter what the parameters…. we are so hard on ourselves. Until we love ourselves where we are at, we cannot grow. That is Rachel Hollis’ message. DO WHAT YOU CAN, WHERE YOU’RE AT WITH WHAT YOU GOT! God I love this woman!!!

So it’s been a couple of weeks and I have no regrets for the amount of money I spent. I have a newfound love for my body…exactly where its at. I’m working on making it stronger and I’m drinking the stupid water as she says. I’m spreading her message to my younger co-workers… we are all sisters…and we need to celebrate each other!! I’m back in college after 30 years and its hard as f#ck…but i have this amazing support system from all my sisters from the conference. My cup runneth over.

Rachel Hollis will never see this post and that’s ok. I just want all of you who do, please look her up…please listen to her podcast and her husbands and Trent Shelton as well… they have helped me survive some of the toughest years of my life through loss of 4 family members. I promise you it will not be a waste of time. #ownyourfuture

Own Your Future

2020. It’s supposed to be a year with perfect vision or to try to get as close to that as possible. Progress not Perfection is my goal. Perfection is not what I strive for any more. Because I am so many things…perfect will never be one of those qualities and I am so glad I don’t feel the pressure to try and reach that unreachable goal anymore.

Since 2015 I have been on a journey that is constantly changing and evolving. There have been ups and downs and peaks and valleys but it has always been evolving and a learning process. Tomorrow starts another phase of this journey.

Tomorrow I head to Ft Myers, Florida and I am going to a Women’s Conference. This is no ordinary conference. This is Rachel Hollis’ “Rise Conference.” If you don’t know who that is or what it’s all about, then this will not mean much to you. But for the millions of women (and men) who have read her books… or listen to her and her husband’s podcasts… or any of the speakers she will have at this conference then you will understand how life changing this could be.

There is a network of “Rise” followers that are the most amazing group of people. I feel like I already have thousands of friends that I’ve never met before that I already have a bond with and I can’t wait to be in the same building with them to experience the knowledge and wisdom we are going to be privileged to hear.

The conference is divided up into 3 days. The first day is about owning your past. That’s going to be a hard one for me. For those who know my story, I have suffered a lot of loss over the past few years with the most recent being the loss of my Mother, Sarah. As well as some bad decisions that I have made over the years. I don’t call these bad decisions mistakes because they weren’t mistakes. These decisions have helped me become the woman I am today. I have suffered due to these choices but I have also grown and evolved. There are still some things I need to address and work thru, so I am really looking forward to the opportunity to do that.

The second day is about owning your present. This one is going to be an interesting topic as well. Some people may not know this but I actually turned in my notice at my present job about 5 months ago. I love my employer and my work family, but I did not feel like I was making a difference. I am the type person who cannot feel like I’m standing still. I always feel like I have to be working towards a goal…to keep growing and moving forward. I didn’t feel successful or even like I was doing a good job. I began to question if this was the right career for me. After I had a conversation with my boss I decided to stay after hearing her confidence in me. I think focusing on my present will help me understand why I felt the way I did and why I sometimes still feel that way.

The last day is about owning your future which is my motto for this year. My sweet friend Tabitha gave me a bracelet that says this motto and I wear it every day and even to bed at night so I can always see it. I want to own my future. I want to own my path and reach my goals even though I am not exactly sure what they are any more. I get home from the conference on Sunday and I began college (again) the very next day. This is part of me “owning my future.” I am nervous of course…. its been 30 yrs since I’ve been in college…but I am so excited with the opportunities that lie ahead even though I have no idea what they may be.

I have something now that I never had before. I have FAITH. And that, to me, is the first step of me “Owning My Future.”

E.

My Truth

My life hasn’t been all sunshine and daisy’s but I know many who have had it much worse than I so its hard for me to complain or feel sorry for myself. I am very blessed and I know that God had a plan for me. He put different twists, obstacles and choices along the road for me to go down and so in the end we always have the final say….we have the option to make choices to make our path end however we choose. God gives us prompts…I could have chosen so many different options during my journey but I finally started to listen to those prompts.

Here is my story. So many people wondered what made me leave a career that I loved so much and dedicated my whole life too…well, here you go.

I was born on Christmas Eve in 1970. My parents were Virginia and James Barron. I was born in Dallas Texas and I had a brother who was 6 years older than me and his name was Mike. My parents divorced when I was a toddler. In those days, the 70’s, the girls when with the Mother and the boys went with the Dad’s. Being as young as I was I tell this part of the story from the stories told to me from family members. Jump forward..basically Mom, aka, Ginger, aka “Worse Mom” as i refer to her now decided she didn’t want to be a mom any more. So she left me. Like really left me. My father found me all alone in the house. No one really knew how long I had been left alone but from what I was told I was covered in feces and dehydrated. So after a trip to the ER… My father became the first male parent in Dallas county at the time to get custody of a female child.

Fast forward to 1973 and my Father married Charlotte Wolf. Not long after that we moved to Winder, Ga due to my Father being transferred with his job. Charlotte, who I consider my mom even though she didn’t give birth to me, was a dance teacher so it was not surprising that I started dance at the young age of three. It was never a choice… It was expected. But I loved it and I was pretty good. I spent every single night at the studio. Through elementary and middle school I would be at the studio from the minute I got out of school until 10 or so at night. That was my life for as long as I remembered. I didn’t know any other life. I don’t have many other memories of my childhood other than there was not joy. No love was shown between my parents or to me and my brother …or should I say no affection. I love you was never said in our home. Mom was very authoritative and demanding and very much a perfectionist and I never felt I met her expectations. And I still don’t. My memories of my father were just that he was very unhappy. Lonely. And he drank a lot. By the time we would get home from dance each night he was completely sloshed. And that was just the way it was. For many year.

Eventually it got to much for my Mother and she left. She moved out while my father and I were on a trip to Canada. No warning…no Goodbye. Just a call from a neighbor that said “hey, there is a moving truck in front of your house”. My fathers drinking became increasingly worse and I asked my mom if I could live with her…and she said yes. So I moved to Gainesville my sophomore year and attempted to start over. My father would not forgive me for leaving him… it was a hard time for us both.

So living in Gainesville was awesome. I made friends I will never forget. Mom was also having the time of her life. She was basically never there. Pretty soon she moved out completely and lived by myself for the remainder of my Jr year and all of my Sr year of high school. Some might think this is awesome and honestly i did at the time…but I now know that I was extremely lonely. I began a pattern that followed me to this day… emotional eating.

My Father soon married the person I called mom. Sarah Murphy Barron. They were both alcoholics but I am convinced this was all in Gods plan. Sarah eventually asked for help and she went to rehab… my Father refused….and then magically thru some encouragement or ultimatum, not sure which from Sarah… he also went to rehab and from that point on they were both sober until their deaths.

Meanwhile my brother Mike was battling his own demons. Even though he had an amazing family with 4 beautiful kids and a loving wife…he was following in my Dad’s footsteps. He was a full fledged alcoholic. Even though my parents offered him help numerous times…Mike would never admit he had a problem.

Meanwhile I went thru many dead end relationships. I was engaged twice but came to my senses thank goodness. I was completely devoted to and married to my job. That was my purpose and my escape. The ability to make a living to doing something that brings you so much peace and love and to be a part of kids lives from the time they are toddlers to adults was a gift and a privilege. I won’t go into all the ugly details about why my love for my job started to decline but I can say without any hesitation that it had absolutely nothing to do with the students. But the joy was being sucked out of me. It was a slow process…but it became increasingly worse year after year.

In January 2008 my awakening began. At the end of January I received the phone call that my Father had Cancer. He died in less than 4 months. Those 4 months were the most wonderful and most horrific moths of my life until that point. I got to know my Father. My sober Father…I forgave him…he forgave me. I became his little girl again. I saw him at his very worse… and we had the most wonderful conversations. During his illness I had began to go to church with him every Sunday. I fell in love with that Church and those people. I never had gone to church as a child so I was a newbie. This was one of the biggest blessings of that time in my life. His faith was so strong. He knew he was going to beat this horrible disease. During his illness my brother came to visit… I remember my Father begging him with tears in his eyes to get sober…to try… before it was too late… it was one of the most heart-wrenching conversations I had witnessed. My Father died soon after. I am so glad I had that time with him… that I got to know him before it was too late…but most of all that I gained a family. His wife, Sarah, and her children…the Ewing Family. The family that had always been there inviting me to be a part of their family…but I was always to busy. That was me ignoring God’s prompts. But not anymore. 🙂

The loss of my Father was the first real loss I had ever experienced. Meanwhile, a few months later the love of my life came into my life. Michael is my biggest blessing from God. Not long after this…. my brother succumbed to cirrhosis of the liver. He died at the young age of 49. This was the beginning of my journey. Each journey has a beginning, a middle and an end. This was the beginning… I fell into a deep depression. I began to drink … way to much. I mean way way way to much. I will spare you all the gory details…but I had lost my direction…. Sarah and the Ewing family and Michael helped me get my direction back. They were my angels who without them, I would not be here today. And I mean that literally.

Through a lot of reflection and therapy I realized that I would never be happy working at the studio in the capacity that I was. I had no vote in the direction of the studio and I knew i never would although it had always been my dream to eventually take the studio over and run it for another 25 or more years. But I was told that would never happen, so I had no choice but to resign.

So.. that led to my second Chapter…. I started completely over and I decided to pursue my second passion… animals and rescue. I’ve been working for Best Friend Veterinary Hospital for almost 5 years. I am the Hospital Manager and I will always be grateful to Dr Sue for taking a chance on me when she did and giving me this opportunity.

Now we are entering the 3rd Chapter…I am going back to college to get my BA in Business and honestly I don’t know what the future holds for me…But I have several guardian angels up above watching over me and as I keep listening to the prompts God sends me…who knows what the future holds??? I am excited for what may come and open to anything. As long as I have my husband, my family and our dogs of course… we have all we will ever need.

E.

Have you found your purpose?

I’ve always heard that every person on earth was made with a purpose meant for their life. The issue comes when You are trying to figure out what that purpose is. Is your purpose the job that makes your bank account happy or is your purpose what makes your heart and soul happy. What are your thoughts?

I grew up from age 3 in a dance studio. As I realized that this was something that I not only was good at, it also fed my soul. For many years I was over the moon in love with that job.

My goal at the dance studio once I became co director was to do more than teach dance. Every studio does that. My goal was to form a dance family. To form bonds with my students so when they had no one else to turn to, they knew I would be there for them no matter what. I had students confide in me of sexually assault- students I suspected of anorexia and worked with the family to get her help. I’ve also taken Students into my home when they were being beaten by their parents. I had the privilege of having these students on average from age 3 to 18. So I watched them grow into strong women. What a gift I was able to be a part of.

Yet the time came when I felt that I needed a new passion. The only thing I loved more than dance was animals. So in 2015 I began my journey into the veterinary field.

I love my job. Dr Sue took a chance on me and I will always be grateful. I realize sometimes because of all the stress with covid and just the growth that we are experiencing that I forget what drew me to this job.

Sometimes you just have to take a minute and go cuddle with a puppy. It warms your heart.

My struggle personally right now is facing the reality that I will never form the bonds I had at the dance studio. I had that job for 28 years so it’s all I knew. I’m not sure what I was expecting but I have accepted the fact that it’s not what I was hoping for. And that’s ok. Its not wrong or right. It just is what it is. I am a person that feels deeply, cares strongly and will stand up for any of my team who has the need. It’s just the mother hen in me and I won’t apologize for it.

I realize now I had some unrealistic expectations and that’s on me. I accept the fact that I was naive and I’ve learned from this and I have moved on. I was struggling for a bit but I have to make things make sense in my head before they make sense in my heart. And now both are in agreement.

I won’t apologize anymore for who I am. I feel deeply and that goes with all emotions. When I screw up, I apologize and own that. I wish more people realized how healing thats is. The main thing I have figured out today is I no longer value or care for other peoples opinions when they have shown Me that they don’t care about me or my feelings. I will not waste time on people who do not value me. I have a family and friends who love me flawed and all. I don’t need everyone’s approval. And I have nothing to prove or defend myself to someone who cannot do the same. That is my lesson for the day.

So in closing, be true to yourself. Stand up for yourself and don’t let someone else who doesn’t value you make you feel unworthy.

“Other people’s opinions are none of your business.” Rachel Hollis

EMP

Sometimes you need a hard dose of reality to help you realize what your destiny has in store for you.

Here I was just going through my days thinking all was going really well. My health issues seem to be in control. My body is feeling better. My stress level is being managed. Life is good. I even got a good deal of the rest of my Mom’s stuff moved out of storage and we should have that finished by the end of 2020.

But the reality is things aren’t going good. I found out something most people know already but in case you didn’t…. I’m not perfect. I made a complete ass of myself this week and although I felt like shit afterwards and apologized, I have no expectation of being forgiven. Which is a very dangerous road for me to travel down. Because I will dig myself into a self loathing hole that will lead my down another hole that I may not come back from. But that is my problem and no one elses. The only person who can control that is me.

So then enter Karma. See I said some pretty awful things about some pretty awesome people….do i regret it, hell yes. Do I wish I could take it back…of course. But you can’t take back pain. So then as the universe would have it, I then got to be the focus of the same cosmic event. I heard some things said about me that hurt my feelings but what was said didn’t hurt me as bad as what came after. Accusations were made that basically showed exactly what I was thought of. And it’s not much. That hurt. Deep. And I don’t think this is something that can be fixed, especially when the person said she wasn’t sorry.

So for the people I hurt and for the people who hurt me….I get it..I hear you loud and clear… I have cried tears tonight to the point my eyes are swollen…so hopefully that will give you a little since of joy…..I am a piece of shit that is not worthy of any sort of forgiveness, grace or kindness.

For the ladies who I was extremely disrespectful this week….I will do better. I will learn from this.

For the ladies who think I can’t be trusted after 6 years of working together and immediately accuse me of unspeakable things…. I know now where I stand with you and I appreciate you finally letting me know how you feel about me. You don’t have to fake it anymore. I can only imagine what else you guys have talked about and judged me for cause we all know I am a complete screw up. You can always count on me for that. You have managed to make me feel about as low as I can …. And not your fault of course….all mine. Everything usually is. Don’t worry…I’m filling out applications as we speak. Thank you for the hard look in the mirror.

Rich People Problems

I saw my therapist this week. He helped me tremendously as always. I’ve been having some perspective problems and he helped me put things back in place.

I’ve been drowning in negativity. Criticizing everything and everything and most especially, myself. Everything from my home, my yard, my job, my body, etc, etc. It’s never ending. Like I’m never happy. I’m overwhelmed and almost to the point of depression. I’ve been there before and I knew I was in trouble.

I’m not saying he cured me from depression because that’s just silly. But he did help me do a hard look at myself and do a reboot that was desperately needed. And it was all from this short statement of facts:

5% of the population in the world owns a car. 3% of the population in the world owns a house. 1% of that same population owns a house for their car (garage).

Let that sink in.

I have a car. It’s paid for in full. I have a house. I don’t own it, but my payment is far below what it’s worth. I have a garage that houses my paid off car. I have rich people problems.

Meaning, when I looked out at my porch last week and all I could see was negativity because it was covered with leaves and had dead plants on it….it wasn’t perfect as I thought it should be. I have rich people problems. Because I have a home, I have a porch that my own husband built with his bare hands. How horrible did I feel when I realized what my thoughts were and how much I have and how ungrateful I was acting. I have a husband, when so many do not… I have a home, when so many do not. I have my health, when so many do not… etc, etc.

He reminded me when your having negative thoughts about your job… so many don’t have jobs. When you’re sitting in traffic, many people don’t have a car or anywhere to get to. When you are in disagreement with loved ones, so many don’t have loved ones… I. am. so. blessed. and. ashamed.

When thinking about my body and how it doesn’t look like I want it… there are people dying everyday who could care less how they look. So what can I do about it? PLENTY.

All of my problems are rich people problems because I am so rich. I have a home, a car, a job, a family, my health and none of it may be perfect but I also have the option of changing those things, and that is because I am so rich. Rich is the same as being blessed. And I have never been more blessed than I am right this moment. I have a family that loves me no matter what. I have a job where I am needed and am productive. I have lost people who have meant the world to me but I was blessed to have them in the allotted time we had. I indeed, have rich people problems.

So when I start to complain, or whine about how bad I have it..or how bad things are going… my husband knows to remind me of this and I hope it helps some of you as well. To have the problems I have is so much more a blessing than a problem and I know I won’t get this over night but I hope to work this into my daily practice of gratitude.

emp