So I am new to this whole blogging thing. I do it for me. It’s therapeutic and helps me get my emotions out because if I stuff them down deep, I will turn into an out of control drunk. Believe me. Speaking from experience. Not a trip I want to take again. So I try to process things instead of ignore them. Tonight I shared my post from today with people I consider my friends and family. One of these ladies I’ve known for 5 years. She was my sponsor when I was a card carrying member of AA.
During this time she helped me work the steps as is the process at AA. I told her things that no one on earth knows except my husband. It’s a bond that can’t be explained. See we are Supposed to be equals. We’ve both made horrible mistakes in our past. The point was to work thru the issues that cause you to dull the pain with substance and figure out what the real root issues are. Once that is done you make a list of all the people you owe amends too. You figure out where you are to blame and then you ask for forgiveness. She worked with me thru this entire process. It was a long, painful and intimidating process. But so rewarding in the end.
Somewhere towards the end of my steps I started to feel a nagging feeling when I was with my sponsor. She had become pushy- demanding and honesty seemed she was trying to hurry me to the end of the process. I don’t know if that was because she was tired of meeting with me or because she really wanted me to reach the end of my steps so she could say she finally had a sponsee that’s she reached the end with. So she could get a pat on her bk. At this point I don’t know anymore. she was pressuring me to go to more meetings and sponsor someone else. I did not feel ready for that. But my opinion didn’t seem to matter. And I was unable and unwilling to make more meetings. I worked a full time job. She had no job. So as she began to pressure me more I finally just to.d her we needed a break.
Since I left AA, I did stay in touch with her. I reached out to her at certain times when. I needed someone to listen and she would be there and seemed sincere. She also would reach out to me randomly to check on me. So what happened tonight was a complete shock.
After I sent her my blog post she mistakenly sent me a response that was meant for another sponsee of hers. It included a screenshot of my blog And she was basically mocking me. I was stunned. But i now know What a fake ass phony judgmental bitch she is. And yes that felt good.