I Won’t Be Bullied or Shamed Anymore

About a year ago… it was in December when someone who I considered a close friend. I had spend a year taking care of my mom and watching her die and that’s when I began blogging. I would send her my blogs and she would tell me that they were touching and emotional and was very supportive. Or so I thought. She accidentally send me a text by mistake sending a copy of my blog and telling this person the text was meant for how full of myself for thinking that anyone cares what I have to say and how conceited I was. I promptly responded back to her and thanked her for her input and for all the fake support she gave me through the years. And then I cried a thousand tears. I felt betrayed, judged and so deeply hurt.

Then guess what? Here we are almost in December, 1 year later and another person, who I thought was a close friend, does basically the same exact thing.

So last night I had decided that I would delete my blog and I posted about it on all my social media to let anyone who might care know. . I started to believe that maybe it was self absorbed of me to think anyone cares to read what I have to say. I could just journal instead. But I was extremely saddened about this decision. I have had severe anxiety this whole week which is not good for my diagnoses of diverticulosis.. I can’t sleep…I can’t eat.. I’ve been a mess. Blogging for me is therapeutic. I work things out and get out everything that if I keep bottled up I will end up doing very unhealthy options for both my mind and my body. But it’s more than that. Its a diary of the events of my life. I blogged all thru my mother’s illness and it helps me to go back and read how bad she was suffering and now she isn’t anymore. So when I’m missing her I read those blogs to help remind me she is in a better place.

THen something amazing happened this morning. I woke up to emails from friends and people I have never met who follow my blog and said please don’t stop. It helped them to hear someone else going through some of the things that they are also. They also encouraged me to not let someone else’s opinion effect how I live my life and I was like: DAMN RIGHT!

So my blog is back up…its private and you have to be approved to subscribe to it. I will not be posting it on my personal facebook page. Just my blog page.

So Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reminding me who I am. I don’t usually let people persuade me or question my intentions or actions. I don’t know why I didn’t pick up on these characteristics of these people earlier because they remind me so much of my step mom I should have known better. Only my step mom is one that will just shoot it straight and not care how it effects you. It’s harder to spot in people who have two faces.

EMP

Not enough time

I have so much to say but too mad to put my thoughts together tonight. To be continued.

When Someone Tells You Who They Are….Believe Them. ~Oprah

So I am new to this whole blogging thing. I do it for me. It’s therapeutic and helps me get my emotions out because if I stuff them down deep, I will turn into an out of control drunk. Believe me. Speaking from experience. Not a trip I want to take again. So I try to process things instead of ignore them. Tonight I shared my post from today with people I consider my friends and family. One of these ladies I’ve known for 5 years. She was my sponsor when I was a card carrying member of AA.

During this time she helped me work the steps as is the process at AA. I told her things that no one on earth knows except my husband. It’s a bond that can’t be explained. See we are Supposed to be equals. We’ve both made horrible mistakes in our past. The point was to work thru the issues that cause you to dull the pain with substance and figure out what the real root issues are. Once that is done you make a list of all the people you owe amends too. You figure out where you are to blame and then you ask for forgiveness. She worked with me thru this entire process. It was a long, painful and intimidating process. But so rewarding in the end.

Somewhere towards the end of my steps I started to feel a nagging feeling when I was with my sponsor. She had become pushy- demanding and honesty seemed she was trying to hurry me to the end of the process. I don’t know if that was because she was tired of meeting with me or because she really wanted me to reach the end of my steps so she could say she finally had a sponsee that’s she reached the end with. So she could get a pat on her bk. At this point I don’t know anymore. she was pressuring me to go to more meetings and sponsor someone else. I did not feel ready for that. But my opinion didn’t seem to matter. And I was unable and unwilling to make more meetings. I worked a full time job. She had no job. So as she began to pressure me more I finally just to.d her we needed a break.

Since I left AA, I did stay in touch with her. I reached out to her at certain times when. I needed someone to listen and she would be there and seemed sincere. She also would reach out to me randomly to check on me. So what happened tonight was a complete shock.

After I sent her my blog post she mistakenly sent me a response that was meant for another sponsee of hers. It included a screenshot of my blog And she was basically mocking me. I was stunned. But i now know What a fake ass phony judgmental bitch she is. And yes that felt good.

I pray you stay sober.
I pray you sleep well.
And I hope you know that after I post this I will never think of you again.